| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2037|05:33 am] |
I keep a diary thing on my flash drive. I'm currently letting someone borrow said flash drive. I don't write in the journal every day. sometimes i forget for a week. but every once in awhile, on one of these nights, i need it. i need to rationalize the thoughts in my head, like if my hands are doing the shaking thing because I drank pepsi or because of some other bullshit reason, in some concrete way. i need to be able to type the things that i don't know i'm thinking. i need to compile thoughts until they do or don't make sense. so i wrote an e-mail to myself, and it said, "god i wish i had my journal but at least i still have my teddy bear." besides this minor, moody setback, i've been feeling pretty damn good lately, and i don't need to know why, but it might be fun and slightly fulfilling to spend some other night trying to figure out why.
now that i think about it, as humans, we're subjugated to a constant barrage of responsibilities and pain, and if you try to think about everything that's happening and all of the things that you need to do and all of the things that you can't control (but would it be better if you could, or would more accountability just give you more to worry about?), you can really fucking freak yourself out. that's what it was. i can't believe i'm awake. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2037|04:12 am] |
i've been reading non-livejournal journal entries for about the past hour. i really don't remember saying hardly anything i've ever said. this is from a march 2005 aim convo:
rhabdo v: ah, well, you are going to find out what is really important and meaningful in life, and you are going to realize that it is not money, or sex, or hot babes, or school, or useless junk, or a career, and then you are going to spend as much time doing that as possible while still feeding yourself |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2037|07:53 pm] |
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I'm home. I'll probably sleep for about three days. Call me anyway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2037|03:38 am] |
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I miss being idle. I miss tv. I miss sitting. I miss everything staying grounded and stationary. I miss more than four hours of sleep. I miss people. I miss you. I’m working hard to keep everything from spinning out of control and/or falling to pieces. It’s worth it. When I don’t have time to be sad and once in awhile I feel some sort of zen euphoria and I type and I don’t know what I’m saying. When I sleep too well and when the alarm goes off I can’t comprehend why it would. When I feel like I took too much vicodin again and I want to run and run around sobbing telling everyone how much I love them and then collapse into an endless dreamless sleep. Moving faster and staying more grounded than ever. And when the rain falls hard and lake Michigan ripples and crashes three quarters of the way around and the purple smog of the Chicago skyline is behind and everything gets blacker and darker and lighthouses and buoys start to blink in the distance and I can’t move because I don’t want to and I can’t stop smiling. Why should I? And when I say fuck everything for two hours and I eat cookies and watch cartoons. Someday this won’t make any sense. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2037|03:25 am] |
ARrMatey16: i can be so politically incorrect... but i don't mean it.. mostly
thetourist5: i dont remember ever minding
ARrMatey16: even when i called you a no good cracka?
thetourist5: even then
thetourist5: even when you impaled me with a spicy chicken tender
ARrMatey16: what about when i smacked your ribs with a hoola hoop and spanked the star spangeled banner on your ass?
thetourist5: well if youre gonna bring that up then we'll have to talk about the time you duct taped david the gnome to my eyeballs and told me that if i ate nineteen salamanders i would turn into the mir spacestation
ARrMatey16: if that's the case what about the imprint you left on my left hand when you poured hot cider on my cunt
thetourist5: well goddamit joe what about the time i was swimming across the english channel and you crashed your hot wheels into the back of my little green tuba?
ARrMatey16: what about johnny rotten singing take me out to the ballgame with gretchen herto while roller blading in an amusment park filled with platipie
thetourist5: that's true, but remember the time bob barker and i spelunked in the murky depths of your pantheon?
ARrMatey16: remember when christpher walken was on SNL and he was like "i'd like to buy a pantaloon?"
thetourist5: HAHAHAHA NO??? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2037|08:59 pm] |
ok, people. if i delete you or don't add you to my friends list, it's because, for one reason or another, i usually don't read your lj entries. it's NOT because I don't like you, or I don't care about you, or I think your mother wears army boots to bed.
one more thing. have you ever had a roommate who doesn't own his alarm clock and thinks it's ok to change the settings on yours without even telling you regardless of whether or not you might miss an important class? oh. maybe not.
i also like it when people accidently kick the power strip on the floor in the computer lab, and my entire project gets wiped out, and they don't even fucking say they're sorry. nope. instead they start playing rap music on the lab computer speakers and they have to be asked by the lab attendant three times to shut the fuck up. yeah, i like that too. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2037|07:26 pm] |
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I am listening to gish for the first time in a looong time (it sounds good), and just now I realized that I got it on my birthday when i was in eighth grade (14), which means that the first time I listened to this album was seven years ago today. Weird ?!?!?! (because it was that long ago). yes. JOE IS ON PHONE BETH IS ON INTERNET |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2037|02:51 am] |
"For the first time in a long time, I am excited to live."
that's me quoting myself.
goodnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2037|02:23 am] |
wow. I just miss so many people tonight. and I wish I could bring them all here right now so I could hug them or something. but i can't. i haven't been drinking. i'm not even that depressed. i'm just being reflective.
matt and I watched the princess bride, and it was lovely. also, we are writing good songs. sometimes i feel like i want to consume every piece of knowledge on the planet. but not get a grade for it. and sometimes i could almost swear that i'm capable of doing something brilliant, if i could only focus my mind on one thing for more than two seconds. i had this dream last night about a woman who had so many kids that she had to fold them like shirts and put them in a big piece of luggage. but they were ok. i can't really explain. i wish my leg would work. and i wish i could finish my fucking article, but i can't really do that until monday. i wish i could go to ihop with elliott smith and jack kerouac. i wish i wasn't so sensitive.
i'm reading the dharma bums again. when it's in my hands, it really changes me. it's like how mike mills (director) described the first time he saw/heard the polyphonic spree--that he could actually feel the molecules in his body moving and morphing. it's the most jubilant, excited, sensible, beautiful, youthful, wise, fun thing i've ever read. to me.
and i haven't written in my journal this much in forever. oh, and elyse kaiser came over, and we had a nice talk. and emily and aaron and matt drive me places, and they are my heros. and i'm almost 21, and that makes me feel so old. not that i think people who are 21 are old; i just don't feel like i belong here yet. i still sleep with my teddy bear.
i have no idea what i want to do with my life, besides see everything (to breathe in all the colors), be with loved ones and, when i can, enjoy the hell out of it.
i drink pop now. too much.
this is really me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2037|01:26 pm] |
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Irresponsibility has gotten the best of me again. I've been acting like last year Louis. Time to get my shit together. Now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2037|10:03 pm] |
Chicago:
After hours of planning and anti-planning, i ride home with michelle, get my mom to drive me to the airport, wait for the train, parents yelling at children, children tuning out (thankfully), darkness and cold and frailty creeping in, sick and tired, long, painful sighs, starting to wonder if i should have stayed home.
Tuck myself away in the farthest back window seat of the train, read, doze and listen to music. See a kid with a ball state shirt but don’t feel like talking. Every song reminds me of another time and place. Don’t know how or why i ended up here. Can’t stay awake long enough to construct a coherent thought. Need more sleep. Everyday.
Get off the train and realize i can hardly talk anymore. Whatever. I’m here. Joe is waiting outside. The city’s above us, we go upstairs. The lakefront is gorgeous. We walk around looking for Katie but she’s already gone. Sean calls. he and carly are on their way back from a Robert plant show. We go back underground to board the l, it’s all a dark void until a million faces fly by. We take the train, walk three blocks to the sean/carly complex, meet the roommates nora and addie, josh mills shows up, he and i walk to seven eleven, he gets a six pack and i get a donut. Walking back some guy who doesn't even look homeless yells “hey! Can i get a donut?” josh says, “yeah! at seven eleven!” we get back sit and drink and talk and play stupid songs and give each other little presents.
I sleep on a couch, wake up with a note from carly next to me. Says she got called in to work at the bean, gives directions. I sit in the living room reading until addie gets up and asks if i want to go visit everyone, i say yes. My voice is still practically gone, people give me tea and food, carly looks like a mom, everyone tells me depaul students are snobs, i agree. addie and i go to the bookstore, then back to the apt until something.
Joe and i take the train to Loyola, we walk around, it feels like a real college campus as opposed to a few buildings in the middle of the city. We go to the chapel, we stand in the middle and look out towards the back, the lake, framed by the balcony and pipe organ and doors, it’s the most picturesque thing i’ve seen in a long time, i wish i could read latin. We sit out on some sort of stone or marble landing and look at the lake and talk about ambitions and non-ambitions and where we want to go and want we want to see. we stop at a star buck’s, a bookstore, we walk along the beach to a park, i wade in and feel amazing, like i have a million dumb youthful ambitions that are ok because they come from a place that’s good and pure, we look at the graffiti art stuff along the walls and try to interpret it. We get lost in a neighborhood that’s lost in the eighties, walk past some bumming scam “don’t give him the money! He’s trying to get off junk! Give it to me! I’ll buy him a sammich!” make it back, eat in the dining hall, stop back at joe’s head back to the train, at no point do i know where we are or which way we’re going or which door to use and i like it.
Back at sean’s sometime, want to visit millennium park, bryan lewis joe p. (not joe d.), jeff blime, two girls named steph and Emily show up. Later i realize i met Emily once at zach spirito’s. we go to a house show/fundraiser for a women’s organization or something, bryan and joe p. play a few songs, i jump in on some sort of glockenspiel thing for a couple, we don’t sound very good, other acts play, there’s a masseuse, there’s a “tap dance” act (two girls wearing strap-ons), joe d and i talk to a guy who says he’s from Elkhart and recently wrote a play that was performed somewhere in Goshen. It’s about a man and the woman he killed. Somewhere in the midst of all this, my calf starts to hurt like a bitch, i get pissed off and take five or six aleve.
We go back the apt, eight of us ride in sean’s car and we end up at a party in a recording studio that josh mills works at. Linda strawberry from billy corgan’s band and some guy from fall out boy are there. I talk to everybody, avoid snobs, play ping pong/foosball, my leg starts to feel better, we look out the windows, joe and i sit at the bar, i eat old cake, an older lady sits next to us, wants a beer, i find her one, says she’s from la, yadda yadda, “what’s goin on” by marvin gaye comes on, i tell her that i have to dance with my friends for a minute, she leaves, we dance and act stupid, on and on, then everyone leaves to do their own thing and we get kicked out, two older guys corner addie and tell her she’s sexy and ask her if she has a boyfriend or something, sean points it out to me, i walk over to try to interrupt (yeah right, like i knew what the fuck i was doing), sean tells me she’s smart, let her go, the guys soon leave.
We get outside but jeff and joe p. are nowhere to be found. Eventually they come out some other door, joe p. practically has to be carried out to the car. There are eight of us again, we try to go to wendy’s (the restaurant) but it doesn’t work, we get back to the apt to find Erick simpson and someone we don’t know asleep or trying to sleep in the living room, josh comes in after a bit, Erick has to get up early and says something like, “i think people should shut up so we can sleep” josh and joe p get pissed and start talking about punching Erick in the throat, joe p gets up and walks over to Erick, addie and i yell at joe p, eventually he lies back down. Everyone passes out except for josh and sean and me, we sit on the patio, they talk a lot, i talk a little, they go inside, i sit out by myself for a long time, sean yells at me to come in, we exchange some idiotic hostile words, i sit awhile longer, around 5:30 i come in and hug sean and then join the mass of bodies on the living room floor.
Alarm goes off at 7:30, joe d has to work at eight, he doesn’t budge, i get up and turn it off and tell him to go to work, then we both go back to sleep. Addie comes out around 8:20 to help me get back to the southshore station and wakes joe d up, we exchange hugs and the like, i get my shit together, i wake carly up to say bye, everyone else is still dead. addie and i walk/take the l, my leg really starts to hurt, but my voice is coming back a little more. We get to the southshore station, she waits till the train boards then leaves, i find the same sort of spot i did on the ride up, this time i sleep the whole way.
I wake up in south bend, my calf is swollen to shit, i wait for the beast to pick me up, she brings a surprise (Jackson), we go to ihop in Mishawaka, i order the classic cheddar and bacon omelet instead of the new swiss tomato shit. Also i just realized i’m listening to “hey Chicago” by low. We sit and color, i get home and feel like a bastard for not getting a hold of Kayla or mat, but it’s 3:30 and michelle needs to come at 4:30. i ask her if i can borrow her crutches (again). I hate my body. Christa gives me a new copy of the dharma bums that evan miller bought for me complete with new foreword (by evan miller) michelle picks me up and later i realize i’ve left the beast’s crayon-written letter to aaron at home and i feel even shittier. Michelle and i talk until the interstate and it’s good, then i sleep till we get off at the Muncie exit.
So shit. I think i’ll just go to bed. Because the lack of sleep is the only thing i can think of to blame for my lack of wellbeing. Health center in the morning. Antibiotics, and, with my luck, another six weeks off my feet. At least the weekend was amazing. thanks to you and you and you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2037|05:02 am] |
Walks are always good. Especially on a night like tonight, alone, heading home from spending time with friends, random assholes and girls whom I really couldn’t care less about passing by, gentle temperate breeze (fall on its way and for once that’s alright), semi-drunk, sidewalk kind of looming, something someone said makes you miss your mom, it’s still ok, still heading home, and there’s that train horn. I don’t know.
I’m sorry if I fuck up and make things incredibly awkward sometimes. Really. The people who really know me know that, besides or in correlation with or whatever any outward appearances, I really do mean well, pretty much all of the time. It would be ridiculous to explain why or how. It’s not that I’m oblivious to everything or anything, but I’ve forced myself to not let the presence of others to dictate my actions. It’s very often a conscious thing, but I feel it’s necessary, because as soon as once starts gauging and calculating their actions by the apparent perceptions and opinions of others, it all becomes pretty fucking pointless and stupid. There’s really not a point where it ends. Maybe I won’t say fucking here because someone might think that that indicates something about my character. A dumb example, but who cares? And why should it matter to me? If you get it, you get it, and if you don’t, you don’t, and that’s fine.
Last year when I moved in to school, there was something magical about it all. I had this naïve, giddy, youthful optimism to me. I’m not sure where it came from. I guess the result of the best summer of my life, a great job, great people, great literature and music, great adventures. To me, the world was full of beauty and bliss. The feeling didn’t last long. This past summer could have been shit, (really), but I made it ok. Somehow. I stayed productive, spent time with the people I love (though some not enough), tried my best to keep upbeat. When I arrived here a few weeks ago, I felt like I didn’t belong, that college wasn’t right for me at this time in my life, that I’m directionless and thus should go home, get a job, and wait for something to make sense. I shared my feelings with my mom, a bright woman and college drop-out herself, and she told me that if I left school, things wouldn’t make more sense or get any easier. At that point I decided that I needed to stop thinking. Stop thinking about life, about, the future, about the big picture, and that I should instead focus on the moment, the most present purpose I serve, be it taking notes in class, hugging a friend, listening to the sound of the horn again (right now).
So far it’s worked. Maybe it’s because I haven’t allowed myself the time to think about life itself. Maybe to think is unhealthy because once you do, you realize that everything is shit, everything is inconsequential, that if you could calculate your impact on the universe it wouldn’t register on any scale, no matter how precise. Either way, living that way isn’t worth it. I’ve got eternity to be dead, but I’ve only got from now until death to live. So why the fuck not?
And despite the oblivious, preoccupied attitude I’ve trade to take on, I’ve had some of the best substantial discussions I’ve ever had since school started. Miles and I talked about high school, Aaron and I talked about education, society, and the shaping of the individual, aaron, pete, duncan and I talked about life, god, the universe and everything, each listening intently to each other’s thoughts and theories, and hurriedly spewing out ridiculous and brilliant theories and revelations, ideas that first occurred to us in church when we were little, or in the middle of nowhere on some late night walk, or while reading something great, or in a friend’s basement during middle school, or five minutes ago, and it just feels so great to share it all with an independent-minded, respectful, and completely interested group of people.
Anyway. The magic feeling, as I knew it, is effectively gone. What I have now is the feeling of…ok. Not because it necessarily is ok, but because I’ve made it ok. In some ways it’s a better feeling, because it’s more constant, assured, palpable. And good things are happening as a result. More good things than were before. I’m actually a real college student now, who reads, takes notes, studies, writes e-mails to his prof, and wants to get his gpa back up to a respectable status. Partly as a result, exciting things are happening. Expo and the dn have asked me to write some stuff without me even taking any action. A band wants me to join. Some girls show interest, but not to sound like a dick, most of them aren’t really worth it.
Another thing. Bad things happen to me. A lot. It can be partially attributed to the fact that I’m really a childish, but some of it really is a random and there isn’t shit I can do about it. However, I’m really fortunate to have my ball state family, especially emily aaron and matt. Everyone is great, but these are the people I see the most, and they really really take care of me more than I would even ask someone to. Sometimes I almost feel like theyre my parents, and I mean that in the best context possible.
I’m a more angry person than I’ve ever been, but I don’t really think it’s a bad thing. Every day, I see people I think I might be able to physically violent to, and even though I probably never could, I still think they’d deserve it. I mean the people who feed off of the insecurities and sufferings of others, the people who are full of hate and are too stupid to realize it, the guys and girls who take advantage of each other, the people who generally just don’t give a shit. If there’s a hell, they belong in it. None of these people are you.
This is too much. Ok don’t read it. Or too late. I have to work till eight. I could keep going. Whatever whatever. I’m still buzzed. Don’t hold it against me. I’m not trying to say that I’m great or cool or anything at all. I’m just saying that I’m ok and here’s why.
Tonight Erica invited me over, Katie and joe called me. And I really appreciated it all. I love everyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2037|03:20 am] |
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one thing. i climbed out of bed to say this. the sound of a distant train horn in the middle of the night makes me feel very small again. reminds me of sleeping upstairs at my grandmas house. reminds me of being a dd (at sixteen). reminds me of the night duncan and jess and i climbed the big iron fence so we could explore the cemetery. for some reason reminds me of that song by big star. makes me feel very hollow inside (especially in my chest) but at the same time very comforted. makes me realize that i'm really really girly. and really really strange. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2037|12:10 am] |
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today i went to work with injured swollen hand not sure what from lady said "it's one thing after another with you, isn't it?" i responded "yes, but i try not to complain about it, so it might just seem like i'm in a shitty mood all the time." oops. also emily and i snuck into bonneyville late and drank a couple under the stars. no shitty mood about that. summer's end draws nigh. can't type much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2037|11:50 pm] |
ATTN LOVERS: as of now i am planning on seeing the zombies at the ohio state fair grounds in columbus on saturday, august 6. will moffitt and/or jen dudka might or might not be coming along. the show is billed as, "Denny Laine / The Zombies (featuring Colin Blunstone & Rod Argent )," and i really don't know much about it besides that. admission to the fair is $8, and the show is free. it starts at 1 p.m. so i'll have to leave pretty early. i found the show info here: http://www.ohioexpocenter.com/osf/osf.htm. denny lane sang for the moody blues, i think. if interested, lemme know.
this is so i will not forget will's email aquaseafoamshame@hotmail.com. if you want you can send him a NICE email because he's pretty special. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2037|01:13 am] |
today i skipped work and read naive. super. it inspired me to make lists.
today i:
skipped work because i hurt
read naive. super.
napped frequently
played guitar
played piano
got on the internet four times
drove and sang
went to my sister's softball game, which i found to be cancelled
talked to my mom about books and medicine
missed some people
almost had a wet dream, which is weird because those are really rare. maybe because i haven't masturbated in awhile
didn't take any vicodin
took two allegra, two vitamin c tablets, a multi vitamin and an aspirin
started reading the subterraneans
ate food
wished i would have asked the girl at mc sports for her number
wished i would have taken a shower and shaved before i went to mc sports
watched sponge bob with my brother
watched the seinfield that takes place in the chinese restaurant
got pretty buzzed
played spin the bottle, but didn't kiss anyone i shouldn't have
stayed out too late
i did some good things
today i ate:
three pieces of celery
four crackers
some peanut butter two
two large bowls of raisin bran
an undisclosed amount of licorice
some little ritz things
i think i ate not that well, especially considering the fact that i can't exercise or anything.
this summer i've read:
spin
the sun also rises
the gunslinger
desolation angels
gilgamesh
the town and the city
beneath the wheel
fear and loathing in las vegas
naive. super.
i hope to read:
the subtereaneans sp
for whom the bell tolls
the glass bead game
everything is illuminated
a heartbreaking work
look homeward, angel
visions of cody
something i'm forgetting
anyway, today was alright. lots of people care. i feel a lot better, physically, than i did a couple of days ago. my leg is getting better. this weekend i maintained a good level of dopieness and drunkenness. a bit ago i was wearing a sombrero and sitting by myself and us and them was playing and my friends were playing on the other side of the room and i had one of those completely ambivalent moments of joy and sorrow and it was quite pretty. kissing people didn't get me off per say it was just the fun thing to do. my mom is one of my favorite persons. the other day i killed a cat and then almost cried and then forgot about it really soon afterwards. i'm only saying all this because i read naive. super. and because i'm pretty buzzed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2037|04:57 pm] |
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so i don't have to explain to everyone when they see me hobbling up the street, i ruptured or tore or something some fibers in my calf. i can't run for a month, i have to take it way easy at work (if they don't fire me), i have to take aspirin so my blood doesn't clot, if i fuck my leg up any more they'll have to cut it open and then i won't be able to walk for months, i have vicatin but my dad doesn't want me to take it so he can use it, i've been to the doctor three times and the hospital once this summer with two more appointments scheduled. THANKS GOD. |
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